March 31, 2012
I can’t graduate. My grades aren’t good enough, and I studied and studied for the english test. I needed a 90% in order to graduate. I got an 85%.
To be honest, I want to die.
I want to tie a hose to my tailpipe, sit in my car, take a nap, and never wake up.
I told my best friend that I had a dream that I wrote suicide letters to all my friends and family. The sad thing is, it felt more like foreshadowing. Good job to the rest of my senior class for being better at everything and actually graduating.
I won’t be at the ceremony.
I’ll either be dead or sitting at home planning my death.
March 12, 2012
I think I have a slight addiction to pain. I’m not exactly sure of what it is, but it takes my mind off of my emotions and lets me focus on the bleeding or the burning. That’s why I turned to cutting myself in the first place; so I wouldn’t have to feel what was going on in my heart.
This depression is really starting to lift, or at least I think it is. I like gauging my ears, I really do. I see it as a healthy(er) alternative to cutting myself.
Even though I’m starting to see the positives in life again, it doesn’t keep me from believing that life would simply be better off without me in it.
March 11, 2012
This feeling is starting to go away. This depression; this battle with myself. Everything is finally starting to make sense, and I feel some kind of hope that I can actually win this; that I can actually survive.
I went to Jump Time with my best friend today. He gave an amazing analogy of what I’m going through and how I can get out of this.
It’s pretty much like a mosh pit; the wall of death kind. Except it’s a cricle, and I’m in the center. Everyone around me is glaring at me and screaming obscenities at me; they’re the Devil’s lies. With all the screaming and shouting, it gets hard to hear God’s voice. I finally just have to shut down and block them all out to hear His faint little whisper, and grasp hold of that with all of my heart. I’ll look up and see His face above the rest; one of a peaceful and calming composure. It’s going to be a battle, it’s going to be difficult, and it’s going to be a wall of death. But I have to fight it, and I have to keep focusing on God’s face and His voice. I need Him.
Because where I’m at right now, they’ve all started sprinting full speed at me..
and I’m still searching for His face.
February 24, 2012
Today was a lot better than yesterday. It’s a healing process, and after being diagnosed, I know that this depression is going to be a difficult thing to get over.
My boyfriend and I have been having problems for a little over a month; he’s got some definite trust issues. But after telling everything to my counselor, I’ve learned that it’s not just his inability to trust me, but he’s also very controlling. Red flags in this relationship have been flying up this entire time, but I was only focused on a couple of them. I’m hurting bad. So so so bad. I told him that I need some time, and he’s scared that we’re going to be over; which seems inevitable at this point. But, he’s my first time. And I’m his. I know now that I wasn’t ready for sex, and I’m still not emotionally capable to be ready. That’s why this is so difficult to deal with, I’m scared, I’m emotionally attached, and I plain damn don’t want to hurt the poor guy. But he’s incredibly controlling; like I can’t be myself anymore. He’s changing who I am, and I don’t know if he knows that or not. I just want to be myself. Is that wrong? I mean, I’m a people pleaser and I’ll go to any length to make people like me or be happy, but is changing who I am going too far? I don’t know what to do. He compliments me all the time, tells me I’m perfect, that I’m the only one for him, and that there will never be another. But he’s only 16, he has his whole life ahead of him. He turns 17 the day before I turn 18, and to be honest, I really really do not want a 17-year-old telling me what to do. My mom is a single parent, and she’s always very good at making choices when it comes to me. I’ve never ever been grounded. And when I’m 18, she says, I’m pretty much free to do what I want. So I don’t want to be restricted by anything but the law.
I’m scared. I’m depressed. I really don’t want to hurt him. But my friends and adult friends are telling me to do what’s right for me. But what is right for me? To be crushed by breaking this young man’s heart? Or by staying with him and keeping under his rule to make him happy?